I like to watch movies with the subtitles on. And TV shows. If there is the option to show English subtitles, I’m turning them on. I like to read. That’s how I process information. The best format of studying for me is reading from a book and copying by hand onto paper. But I’m lazy, so that method of practice isn’t always used. I am a person of habit. I am a person of tradition. Although I like repetition, it is hard for me to accept it into my routine – especially if it is new and unknown to me. I do not like change. I like my comfort zone, and it’s very rare for me to leave it.
I cry. A lot. Crying is how I express intense emotion, whether it be positive or negative. I have experienced both tears of pure joy and tears of pure rage, of pure depression, of pure grief. I am a pessimistic individual. I am very good at finding the downfall of things. I am my own worst enemy. I am very critical of myself. I like to critique everything in life, but I find that I end up complimenting a third party and just putting myself down. People have called me a goody two-shoes. People have called me a suck-up. My excuse to that is that I just like to be nice and make people smile.
I want to have a calm aura. I want a peaceful, quiet, modest sense of self. I want to radiate quiet, positive energy. I don’t really want to be That Bitch that can’t be reached by any emotional level. I want to be reached by anyone who needs me, because I like feeling needed. I like helping. I like caring, I find that I am a compassionate individual. I have a lot of love. But I also have a lot of hate for one thing – myself. And dealing with and overcoming such an obstacle is a challenging one, from both the inside and outside perspective.
I am adaptive to my environment. If my colleagues around me are having a shit day, then I’m probably going to have a shit day too. I react to what is around me. I am very receptive, even if I do not mean to be. When I am positive, I am a good influence. But when I am negative, I can drag anyone down with me, though if I could I would choose to never do such a thing. I would never wish the wrath I have against myself on anyone.
I am a changing person. I want growth. I do not want to stay the same for one minute. I want to keep evolving and adapting and becoming something more than what I was prior.
I compare myself to everyone. To everything. I put myself up to challenge people all the time – even people who are not battling against me. I build my walls before I have even been attacked. I fall into the traps that catch me before the splitting tension. I feed into my terrible tendencies. I see unhealthy practices and I ignore them, and instead encourage them because there is nobody to stop me and there is no apparent, blatant reason why it would hurt me. But it hurts me much later, when the thoughts cannot leave my head no matter how bad I want them too. This is my biggest confrontation I have with myself. The day I am able to stop my self-damaging habits is going to be a life-changing day. The day I choose to stop checking up on certain individuals is going to be a progressive day in my mentality and image of myself.
Right now, it’s a weird limbo that I am in. I don’t like the habits that I practice; the things that I do, but for right now I cannot stop myself and I don’t have the proper support system that will really, effectively rid me of my self-harm like tendencies (though nowhere near physical, all totally emotional). I still do the things that I do – and I always catch myself doing this before my healthy habits too. One day I hope that it will stop. It’s mentally exhausting, socially taxing and just not good for me. I shake my head at my own thought processes as I pen this down. Why do you do this? You really have no reason to. No absolute reason. Your reasons are years and years old. You may not have the closure, but your closure is not needed, and it is only theirs alone. It was before your time. You do not need to know anything.
I just like to know everything, I guess.
I just like to be informed. I like to get the dish. I like the gossip. I like the drama. That’s why I do it. That’s why I still feed this dumbass habit. It’s because I like it! I like the adrenaline! I like the rush I get! Why, why, why? It’s not anything that should concern your interest, yet you still like to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. Let other people live their own lives, no matter how shitty their own lives may be, no matter how much you want their life to be shitty. You must let go.