After making a big change in your life, it’s so absolutely common for people who are in your life (or just around your life too, people are really nosy) to ask questions. I knew this, and I really expected this from my family and friends (both at my college and hometown / high school) when I moved back across the country under my parents’ roof again. Even though I expected it and prepared for it, I still wasn’t ready for it. It’s really overwhelming when you have to explain over and over again that you “withdrew” from school (and surreal, like the more I say it the more it sounds like I threw away all my potential). Especially when you have to talk about your mental health since that was the whole reason for the relocation. I thought this large change was what I needed. But instead, I just realized what the things in life I really need are, and as long as I have those things I can realistically be content and at peace.
I don’t know when I’ll actually post this, because I do want to get into the boring, very depressing details as to why I quit school and changed lifestyles. This is really temporary right now, and I really need to save money and generate money for myself so the best way to do that is to live in your parent’s house because they don’t make you pay rent.
One thing that I really think improved my life was asking my doctor to up my dosage of antidepressants, just by a little bit, because there were still times where the depression got the better of me. I also have to admit that I didn’t take my medicine regularly and that probably really threw my brain out of whack and would really explain my instability during the time. I’m not sure why taking my medicine was so hard to remember, but what I’ve learned from this past situation is that I really need to keep taking my medicine, because it clearly keeps my mood in check and helps me think more rationally, especially when I’m by myself. My problem tends to revolve around my self-talk and self-esteem, that kind of thing. I just had therapy today and that’s what we talked about, so it’s obviously still a struggle for me.
Another thing that really changed within my lifestyle was driving. When I moved to Kentucky, I wasn’t able to take my car (insurance and parental reasons) even though freshmen were allowed to keep cars on campus. Without having a car, I felt trapped on an island, which instead of being my bedroom it had turned into my campus. Not even that, it turned into my dorm room, because nearly every day I was afraid to leave it. It was either that, or I was forced to go to class. Other days I would look outside at the sunshine and say “why even bother?” when my bed is more comfortable and I won’t have to interact with anyone.
My tendencies were very self-conceded and unhealthy. All I ever talked about was how upset I was. My thoughts ended up going to places that made me uncomfortable, I didn’t like to be alone with myself. I did not see the warning signs and because I struggle so much with remembering that you make your own happiness, I didn’t see the point in saving myself because I didn’t think I deserved it, and instead I just dug a deeper grave for myself.
I gained a bit of weight, and I stopped looking at myself in the mirror because I didn’t like what I saw. I backtracked on all the work I had done with my therapist before I graduated high school. I really should’ve gone to therapy sessions at school, but I had too much anxiety holding me back that I couldn’t talk myself into going – and nobody else could either. The counseling center was quite a walk away and was in a building I have never entered before, and I hated walking around looking for places because I thought people were always staring at me and judging me.
I was so afraid of reaching out and asking for help. It ended up being two people I love very much telling me that I wasn’t healthy and something needed to change. I denied a lot up to that point but when I had more than one person telling me that something wasn’t right, it opened my eyes and a siren went off. Even though that university was such an amazing opportunity, it really wasn’t worth my day to day health to stay there. I had to consider that there are other options out there in the world; hell, there are thousands there’s so much around me. I always think I’m glued to one path, and that’s the path that I’m on. But one shouldn’t limit themselves like that. It’s okay to not go on the path you had originally intended. My new therapist said something at our first session that really stuck with me. It was that life is a path in front of you, but it isn’t necessarily a straight path – towards success, happiness, contentment, whatever you want out of life. You take turns, you take risks, you walk down the path less traveled. And it’s okay to try these things out, and go a different route, as long as you keep moving forward. The past is in the past and all you’ve got is the future ahead of you.
Well, I have to get some sleep because I have to meet with another potential employer tomorrow morning. I was offered a job at Target today, so I’m giving myself a couple of options. You can always get better. It’s okay to work on yourself. I’m just starting to learn this now.